Pete
"Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesnt last 22 minutes. It lasts forever."

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Pete
"I think its Matisyahu."

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Martin
"Thanks for the free money, bitch."

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Fantasy Baseball Guy
"Dont let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out."

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Doorman
"I cant be letting your old ass in here. Why dont you go do some yoga and shit."

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Doorman
"I know. You’re right. Im so sorry. I fuckin hate this job. I dont wanna be the one to pass judgement, decide who gets in. Shit makes me sick to my stomach, I get the runs from the stress. Its not cause youre not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I cant let you in cause youre old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth."

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Doorman
"You old, she pregnant...cant have a buncha old, pregnant bitches running around. Thats crazy. Im only allowed to let in 5% black people. He said that, that means if there’s 25 people here I get to let in 1 1/4 black people. So I gotta hope there’s a midget in the crowd."

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Debbie
"Hes playing fetch... with my kids... hes treating my kids like theyre dogs."

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Debbie
"[on subject of husbands] You criticize them so much, they get down on themselves, and then theyre forced to change!"

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Debbie
"[sobbing and thinking about the babysitter] She is such a prissy little high school cu... cunt!"

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Debbie
"[to Ben and Pete at dinner] Hey, I have a really good idea. Why dont the two of you get into your time machine, go back in time and fuck each other."

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Debbie
"Are you the lady who doesnt realize shes pregnant until shes sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?"

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Debbie
"[to Pete when they look at a sex offender registry website] So Im the bad guy because I care about protecting our kids from child molesters and mercury? And youre cool because you dont give a shit?"

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Debbie
"[looking at the fleshofthestars website] He misspelled coming. Oh...eew."

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Ben Stone
"You know what, I know this isnt you talking, its your hormones, but I would just like to say, FUCK YOU, HORMONES, YOU ARE A CRAZY BITCH, HORMONES--not Alison, HORMONES. Fuck em. Its a girl, buy some pink shit."

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