Tia Russell
"[Theyre eating Chinese take-out] This is such a wonderful dinner, mother. How DO you find the time?"

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Tia Russell
"[to her mother] If my whole family moved away from me, Id have a heart attack too."

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Tia Russell
"Hey, Mom. Next time you take off in the middle of the night, why dont you hire a murderer to watch the house?"

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"Marcie Dahlgren-Frost: Marcie Dahlgren-Frost. Dahlgren is my maiden name, Frost is my married name. Im single again, but I never bothered to remove the frost. And I get compliments on the hyphen."

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"E. Roger Cogswell: [to Buck] You gotta let somebody know where you are. Ive been checking car trunks for your corpse."

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Buck Russell
" [On the way to his brothers] Oh boy, those kids. I havent seen those kids in a while. Tias gotta be nine. Nine, maybe ten. Oh boy. And the two new ones. Theyre uh... Larry and... uh... Larry and, uh... Uh... Betsy. Betsy, uh... Jennifer. Jennifer. Larry and Jennifer. Oh boy."

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Buck Russell
"[serving gigantic pancakes to Miles for his birthday] You should see the toast. I couldnt even get it through the door."

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Buck Russell
" [struggling to open the washing machine] Do I have to talk dirty to you? Come on! Open up for daddy! Im gonna shove a load into you! Here we go! Come on, its nice and easy. Aaah! Come on, here we go! Ah! Take that! Take that! Come on! You dont want the crowbar, do you? Come on! OPEN UP! UUGGHH! Im gonna shove my load into you whether you like it or not."

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Buck Russell
"[to Maizys principal] I dont think I want to know a six-year-old who isnt a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure dont want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I dont have a college degree. I dont even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because theyre ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them theyre no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, and Im coming looking for you! Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam."

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