"Peter Carson: If that girl is as beautiful as you say, Ill scale the wall tomorrow."

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"Ouliotta Delight Hemoglobin: [after kissing Peter Carson] You must be a professional."

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"Gloria Jean: My Uncle Bill...But I still love him."

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The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill
"[to a pretty girl] Hi ya tootie-pie. Everything under control? [the girls boyfriend punches him] All five of em hit me at once."

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The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill
"[after a waitress pours water in his lap] No extra charge for the cold shower I hope."

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The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill
"I dont know why I ever come in here - The flies get the best of everything."

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The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill
"[about a large Turkish passenger] Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?"

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The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill
"[offering a cure for insomnia] Get plenty of sleep. Thats what the doctor told me."

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The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill
"[after falling from a plane, and landing on a mattress] Why didnt I think of that parachute? What a bump!"

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The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill
"[to Gloria Jean] Dont you want to live in this beautiful nest, have a personal maid, wear a diaphanous gown, and eat regularly?"

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The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill
"I feel as though somebody stepped on my tongue with muddy feet."

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The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill
"Theres no sense arguing with a woman."

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The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill
"Lucky we didnt have an accident...Wed never have made it."

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Mr. Pangborn
"This script is an insult to a mans intelligence - even mine...Its impossible, inconceivable, incomprehensible, and besides that, its no good. And as for the continuity, its terrible."

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Mr. Pangborn
"Marvelous. Wonderful. Amazing. The girl has been living on a mountaintop since she was three months old and for no reason at all, suddenly blossoms out with Jump and Jive. Do you actually think Im a dope? Now dont you answer that."

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