Happy Gilmore
"During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody."

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Happy Gilmore
"If I saw myself dressed like that, Id have to kick my own ass."

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Happy Gilmore
"[to Virginia] You know my girlfriend is dead. She fell off a cliff and died on impact."

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Happy Gilmore
"Yeah, it is about time! I mean I just couldnt get the ball in the hole! I wanted to but I just couldnt do it! [Pulls guys shirt and punches him in the face]"

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Happy Gilmore
"[to Bob Barker] The price is wrong, bitch."

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Happy Gilmore
"You son of a bitch ball! Why dont you just go home?! Thats your HOME! Are you too good for your home? ANSWER ME! SUCK MY WHITE ASS BALL!"

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Happy Gilmore
"[to alligator that has eaten his ball] That son of a bitch. Give me my ball, give it here! Cough it up, you dirty bastard. I swear Im gonna... give the ball, alligator. Hey, youve got one eye! Chubbs. You took his hand!"

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Happy Gilmore
"[after an air conditioning vent falls on an old lady] Remember that Mista, Mista lady? Well, I think I just killed her."

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Happy Gilmore
"[sucking up to Chubbs] Im stupid. Youre smart. I was wrong. You were right. Youre the best. Im the worst. Youre very good-looking. Im not very attractive."

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Happy Gilmore
"Happy learned how to putt, UH-OH!"

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Happy Gilmore
"SOMEBODYS CLOSER!!"

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"Announcer: Quite a large and economically diverse crowd here at the Michelob Invitational."

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"Chubbs: Spoken like a true asshole."

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Donald
"Youre gonna need a blanket and suntan lotion, cause youre never gonna get off that beach, just like the way you never got into the NHL... ya jackass!"

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Donald
"You will not make this putt... ya jackass!"

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