"Dr. Beeper: Were about to tee off now so call the hospital and move my appointment with Mrs. Bellows back 90 minutes...Just snake a tube down her nose and Ill be there...in four or five hours."

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"Lacey Underall: [to Ty] Will you forget the massage and just kiss me, you fool?"

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"Mrs. Smails: Well, you two look like a couple of boogies."

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"Mrs. Smails: Will you come and loofah my stretch marks?"

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"Maggie OHooligan: Well, tanks for nothing!"

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"Lou Loomis: Gentlemen, we all know this is illegal and against Club practice and Id like to ask at this time if you all agree to waive all sanction against said referee or anything that might get me fired."

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"Motormouth: I often thought of becoming a golf club."

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Spaulding Smails
"Double turds!"

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Spaulding Smails
"You gonna eat your fat?"

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Spaulding Smails
"Doodie!"

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Spaulding Smails
"Ahoy polloi."

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Judge Smails
"Oh, Porterhouse! Look at the wax build-up on those shoes! This is fine leather! I want that wax stripped off! I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois. And I want them now! Chop chop!"

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Judge Smails
"Dont count that one; winter rules."

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Judge Smails
"I have a little poem Id like to read in honor of this occasion, if I may. Spaulding, get your foot off the boat! :Its easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And youve got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat... Ah ha ha ha. OK Pookie, do the honors."

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Judge Smails
"Ive sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didnt want to do it - felt I owed it to them."

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